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2011 NBA Draft Grades

Coming off the best NBA playoff run in a generation we meet at the 2011 NBA Draft; the annual showcase where NBA General Managers try to get themselves fired and future players try to commit every fashion sin in the book.

Who remembers Samaki Walker being drafted by the Mavericks and actually looking like the Mavericks logo?

This year's Draft was especially crazy with all the trade rumors involving Steve Nash, Andre Igoudala, Lamar Odom and the Spurs trying to get rid of Tony Parker because he slept with Brent Barry's wife.

Sidenote: Parker sleeping with Barry's wife is the biggest blow to French-American relations since Congress tried to change the name of French Fries to Freedom Fries. 

With the NBA Lockout looming, this could be the last piece of basketball business for a long, long time.

7:03 We start at the Prudential Center in New Jersey, which is a shame. Every NBA Draft should be at Madison Square Garden like every Black Bike Week should be in Myrtle Beach. It just makes sense.

ESPN has put together the ugliest crew known to man with Stuart Scott's googly eye hosting and the three whitest guys in the America, Jay Bilas, Jeff Van Gundy and Jon Barry, pretending to know what they're talking about.

Let's play a Drinking Game. Everytime Van Gundy, Bilas or Berry pronounces a foreign name wrong you have to down a Four Loko.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Draft Grade A-

The World Champion Cleveland Mavericks, err I mean Cavaliers take Kyrie Irving with the 1st pick. In the weakest Draft since 2006, the Cavs got the best player. He has a true position and will play at an All Star Level for a long time. 

Random tidbit: Our good friend @jcrack614 looks exactly like Irving. He could totally hit up, "The View" in Cleveland and have his pick of the litter for the next 100 Sundays.

With the 4th pick the Cavaliers also selected my fellow Torontonian, Tristan Thompson. The women of Cleveland are going nuts. Two top 5 picks in the NBA Draft is enough to make any hoodrat ovulate.

Minnesota Timberwolves

Draft Grade B+

The Timberwolves General Manager David Kahn is the new Brick Tamland and what some people would call mentally retarded. He's constantly pranking all 12 Timberwolve fans with his dumb decisions and he seems to be enjoying it. We need more of this guy.

He finally convinced Ricky Rubio and his Beatles haircut to join the Timberwolves and they selected Arizona SF Derrick Williams with the 2nd pick in the Draft. Not bad. At any rate it'll be fun to see Michael Beasley and his more likable clone Derrick Williams on the same court.

The Wolves now have Rubio, Love, Beasley, Williams, Wesley Johnson and Darko Milicic. This is the most entertaining team ever. 

Utah Jazz

Draft Grade B

The Jazz took Enes Kanter with the 3rd pick. He hasn't played in like 2 years but he does look like a James Bond villain. That should be fun.

With the 12th pick, the Jazz also took Alec Burks who instantly doubled the African American population in Salt Lake City.

Suck on that Mormons.

Toronto Raptors

Draft Grade B-

My favorite team, the Raptors made a solid pick all around when they took Jonas Valanciunas from Lithuania. He endeared himself to all Raptor fans when he took a shot at Chris Bosh saying, "We both have not so strong body."

Check out his 31 second press conference where he totally ignores all questions.

Yup, we are all JoVa Witnesses.

Washington Wizards

Draft Grade B+

The Wizards took Jan Vesely aka the Dunking Ninja from Czech Republic. His Eastern European GF made out with him before he accepted his hat. He also sounds like Rocky Balboa after the 15th Round. I like this kid. 

Washington also took Chris Singleton with the 18th pick.

Charlotte Bobcats

Draft Grade A

Michael Jordan didn't mess up too bad when he took Bismack Biyombo and Kemba Walker with the 7th and 9th picks in the Draft. The future ROY and a future DPOY in the same Draft.

Detroit Pistons

Draft Grade B

The Pistons just took Brandon Knight and he looked like he wanted to cry. I'd cry too if I had to spend my early twenties in Detroit, Michigan. Poor kid, I hope he has car insurance.

Sacremento Kings

Draft Grade C+

JIMMER TIME! Looks like the Jimmer is going to the Tyreke Evans/DeMarcus Cousins, "School of Bad Body Language."

I'm giving it until Christmas for Evans and Cousins to transform The Jimmer from a likable goofy white kid to an insufferable douchy prick. Who wants to put money up?

Golden State Warriors

Draft Grade C

Warriors took Klay Thompson and it's clear now Golden State is trying out lightskin every backcourt in the NBA with the trio of Steph Curry, Monta Ellis and now Klay Thompson. This won't end up well.

Phoenix Suns and Houston Rockets

Draft Grade B

TWINS! The Suns have cornered the markets of evil twin brothers with Robin Lopez and now Markieff Morris.

Meanwhile the Rockets took Marcus because they felt bad for the other twin.

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That concludes the lottery. The rest of the Draft was way too boring to blog about so I'm going to end it here. Here's the rest of the picks. http://scores.espn.go.com/nba/draft/live

Enjoy the lockout folks and remember at least the Miami Heat lost.


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